What a hippie preggo mama wants

I will be 28 weeks tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will have both feet planeted firmly in the third trimester. Today is one of those rare days I have let go of the fear of being pre-term and embraced the fact that, yes, I might make it to 37 weeks.

I thought about my birth plan and what, if this kid is full term, I want.

Most of it is basic, the things people used to argue with me about but have come to accept (grudingly, bewilderingly but accepted) that I do: a hep-lock instead of an IV, external intermittant doppler monitoring, no pain medication, freedome of movement, pushing in whatever position I chose.

Some of it are things I have never considered before: not breaking my water until I am, say, 9 cm and the ONLY thing keeping me from pushing is a bludging bag of water; pitocin done slowly and risen slowly (ie, you will "pit to distress" me over my dead and rotting body); delayed cord cutting no matter the gestational age, a pump rented to me BEFORE I leave the hospital.

Then there is the dream that I only did once- laboring at home as long as I like, until I feel the need to leave. (Or my wise doula looks at me like I have ten heads and tells me it is time to go NOW.) I am not scared of an unplanned, in the hallway homebirth. I am not scared of birthing in the car. I am woman, hear me roar- the only thing that truly scares me is something happening to my baby.

Every time I vision this birth, it is dusk on a cool late winter/early spring day. It's about dinner time. The house is quiet and I can hear children playing outside in the rapidly melting snow. Everyone is sick of winter and ready for spring to be here. I think it is March.

I am alone or maybe only with my doula. Adam is nearby but not in the room and I am always, always in our soaking tub. I know my mother is here and she is with the older kids- I get the feeling they are headed to my in-laws. I feel like labor will be slow but steady, not the INSTENSE birth Camille's was or the OMGHECOMINGNOW like it was with Joseph. I think it will be LONGER but not LONG.

I think it will be dark when we finally head out. Maybe midnight. I think I will be far along when we get there but not super far, maybe 8.

The numbers 3 and 11 stick in my head. Whether this will be his birth DATE (March 11), birth TIME (3:11) or birth SIZE (3 pounds, 11 ounces) I don't know.

I would like my children to be there in early labor but every time I picture it, it doesn't picture "right." With Georgie, I would try to picture laboring in front of the tree, which I really wanted to do, and it never pictured "right." I could never focus on laboring at home. In the end, I never did labor at home.

I don't know how much of is wistful thinking or based on my most recent birth experience. (The process with Georgie did begin around dinner time, I always spend alot of labor in the water, and I've given birth at night three times.) I don't know how much of it is realistic (most mothers seem to begin labor at night, when they are relaxed and safe). In the end? As long as I get my take-home baby, I don't care.

In the end of the end? His birth story will be wonderful because HE will be in it. It will be HIS. Joseph's was more than I ever imagined, Camille's was so unpredicatable and Georgie's labor was... easy. Mellow. Cheesie's story will end with HIM and when he comes home (weeks, days or hours), he will be OURS and we will have another sweet baby to love. And, in the end, that's all this preggo mama wants... her little boy.