Our next doctor's appointment wasn't until June 17th and that was going to be to have the fetal echocardiogram done. "I can do this" is what I kept telling myself. I would have a whole week of nothing but good, great conversations with people, encouraging cards and emails from friends, and then the very next week I would hit rock bottom. I remember feeling things like "Everyone should feel sorry for me." "Poor pitiful me, I can't believe I'm having to go through this." "I just don't think I'm strong enough to do this." "I didn't plan on having a special needs child." Well guess what......NO ONE PLANS ON HAVING A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD!!! You are chosen by God to be this child's parents and you should feel honored. After picking myself up from several meltdowns and with a tip from a very special friend I came across this:

Welcome to Holland

           When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip-to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
           
           After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

          "HOLLAND?!?!" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed ti be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

          But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they  haven't taken you to a horrible disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It's just a different place.

         So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

         It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around......and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills......and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

         But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy.....and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

         And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away......because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But......if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things.......about Holland!

That story really made me stop and re-evaluate everything. I wasn't enjoying this special gift that God had given us. I think my situation is bad, but I can have children. What about all of the couples that can't have children and would love to have a baby even if it was a special needs baby? God does not give you what you can not handle. We think we know our limits, but he is the only one that truly knows that. Nothing is ever suppose to be easy, and me and Forrest both know that, but we have each other and God to lean on during this time. I truly believe that we were given this gift as a way to minister to others. She is going to bring great joy to our family and she could possible change the world one day! Please keep Mary Martin in your prayers as we are praying for a healthy heart!!!!